Last week I wasn’t able to write a single thing for this diary. While I did my best to keep a day-to-day one page diary, writing something longer was beyond my control. Because last week I lost someone very dear to me for reasons I still don’t understand and without being able to do a single thing to avoid it. Thus breaking multiple promises I did to myself for this beginning of year.
Since then I’m slowly trying to cope with the break up, and to get back to a daily routine correctly. I found an infinite wisdom in the saying “This too shall pass”, which helps me to go forward throughout the day, knowing that everything I’m feeling, everything I’m encountering, every single question I have will pass. Every single state I’m in, at this moment, will vanish if I give it some time.
While I still don’t get the exact reason for this separation, I’m confident that I did my best, and that I did everything I could on my side. In moments like this, it is always hard to exactly define where is the line between what you should do, what is beyond your control and what would diminish yourself. I have to thank the 2 months I’ve spent practicing meditation, which helped me make some steps back and observe things from a distance (providing me some relief also in hard times like this). Practicing each morning a premeditatio malorum helped me, as this break up was a scenario I had already pictured for several weeks (and I have to say that for the last 10 days, it has become incredibly easy to practice).
I still have a lot of work to do to get totally back on my feet, but I won’t give up. I know there’ll be better days, I’m doing my best to keep my head up and my hopes high, and to get back on tracks. Meanwhile, this event helped me also to discover a lot of things around me and how much empathy people could express when you’re going through hard times. I don’t think I’ll ever understand why this has happened nor get used to, but at least I’m able to stand up and I know that, even if I’m not able to seize the day yet, this will come back, in time.
“Remember, nothing belongs to you but your flesh and blood — and nothing else is under your control.”
— Marcus Aurelius (Meditations)